I am half-sleeping
Lines that shouldn’t be crossed,
Meanings lost in interpretation.
I was a diamond
All the while you were casting me as villain,
And I’m okay –
Smiling in constant state of unhappy.
Depression is scary;
You’ve got to know where to look.
It’s easy to follow narrative; easier still to fall into it.
Remembering names and faces of lies
While I’m spewing truth.
I whisper on repeat “don’t worry”
But hear, “No, we really don’t want you home.”
“No, I don’t choose you.”
I almost forfeited half a dozen times
And I stepped on every crack.
I once chose you over the greatest love of my life….
And bathed in being the only one on your side
But you turned your back on me and he never saw me the same way again.
Every day I’d think about how his mother went away
And I’ve always been aware that she made me stay
Somewhere I got lost along the way.
But I’ve known since the day I was born that I am just like her.
I hope I don’t go because headstones aren’t big enough to hold all the words I want to say.
I was built with armour; born with it maybe.
And rage lies right beneath my spirit.
I’d write you a poem to make you happy,
Shed tears for trips we didn’t take to the mall
Replay times you didn’t choose me, wanting to shout to you
You’re fucking wrong!
I used to want to put you up on a pedestal.
Hoping if I professed my love the most, you’d pick me.
Making makeshift swords and knives, fighting off the hurt for you.
Tossing compassion out with no return
Don’t tell me there are no heroes.
I am a treasure, screaming to be found beneath the sand.
My confidence was born of Oprah and Donahue
And the eyes that I inherited
Are waiting to be amazed
I wish there was a yellow brick road
Friends with hearts and courage and thought.
I lost my greatest ally for you.
Letters that I want to write and want to send, but are never destined to be seen
I call bullshit on “you are the only one responsible for your feelings.”
Because that would require the ability to see around corners when we are young,
An inborn depth of perception that would allow children to choose.
Grown-ups capable of separating themselves from all that they ever were and all that they were ever meant to be.
I wonder how I ever trusted you
I wonder what I ever did with the cape I kept hidden in the toy box.
What I’ve got is all I need
Though I can only write when I’m unhappy.
I was beautiful beyond measure despite the narrative you’ve all created for me.
Take the time to analyze
It doesn’t matter what you think about me when I was there.
I lived and loved before a time when you were here.
This feels like the biggest lie I’ve ever told.
It’s just not how it ought to be.
I’ve petitioned for every story I told
And I have a story to tell
But first I have to buy it.
I never lie to myself.
I reinvent myself,
But I’m okay.
And laughter is my shield.
I’ve stopped being surprised by non-wishes,
Because the truth is
I’m already gone.
I need something or someone to lean against.
I need you to tell me to stay.
Sometimes I think too much
I just can’t hold my breath hoping you’ll answer why.