Category Archives: stories

One.

Onepic

She loves him still.

Especially in late September when fog hangs thick and low. When she allows herself to indulge in all the memories of what was supposed to be; when she closes her eyes long enough, he is right there with her.

She can’t remember how long ago she lost him, but when she spotted him this evening, everything that ever felt unfinished in her life rose up to face her. He was right there in front of her, slouched over his coffee in the same weighty posture he had before he grew older.

She stood there unmoving, watching him through the coffee shop window. She studied his furrowed brow and the way his lips paused to blow and cool his coffee. People were chattering all around him, but he didn’t seem to notice. He was so far away. Life had hardened his once boyish face, but his eyes were exactly the same.

He looked up as though he was willed to, and caught her staring at him.

Blood rushed up her chest, down her arms and through her fingertips. She lost all ability to breathe and the only thing she could hear was her heart pounding in her ears.

Yes, she loves him still.

Lady

Fat-bottomed girls

Should be making the rockin’ world go ’round

Don’t come nicely ’round here.

Thought you to be the snake, but a snake charmer instead

I’d call you a Godess, if any Goodness came of it

Spewing vitriol and venom

Planting seeds that spread like morning glory

I can’t even remember when friends were here together

I’m so far separated from it.

Feverish with jealously

Scratching at my back door

Longing to taste a piece of my snack,

The tune I hum.

Moaning of unrequited love

And husbands who don’t understand,

And bosses who are unfair

And children who don’t care

And.

And

And.

Stopped listening long ago.

I sit upon the rising sun.

I listen to the arguments in my head

The ones that I’ll forever leave unsaid

Because I’m not the instigator.

And you know that I’m right.

All along.

And now your arms and ammo are laid down

Time to harvest your own crops

Foolish women.

Silly, petty, stupid women.

Throwing missiles aimlessly,

Hoping something, anything would stick

Filling your eyeballs with more hatred than they can bare.

I don’t care for you anymore, Lady.

I’ll light the way gladly

Watch whistling winds and clouds disappear

Your shadowy delusions sink away

You wretched women

Reeking of yearning,

Of daddies who didn’t love enough

Of lovers who will never fill the void.

Sad, sad women.

Encasing yourselves in pity

Bathing in insecurities

Embracing each others’ dark whimsy

I’ve retired my defenses

Taken the stronger course

Suffered blows

But kept my poise.

Is not that bad.

Lady.

Everyone secretly thinks I should get over it.

But I’m not ready to make nice.

Not until you come clean

Fat-bottomed women,

Make my fucking world turn ’round.

After

Compelled by nectar

The words come easier

Eager

The first one I can avoid with gritted teeth,

I can’t say no to the rest.

I follow in the footsteps of all the greats

The ones that are remembered with the best stories

It’s always so bitter after the first

But I’m honest.

Rationalize

Excuse

Walked sorry miles

At the time I didn’t know

I didn’t know there’d be so few chances

It feels like tomorrow is infinite,

But really, someday never comes

There is purpose somewhere out there

Telling me of hope that’s somewhere far away

Where rain falls less.

I see you out there

You were always this enigma

Someone I wanted to know

Someone I needed to understand

But now I know.

This is who were are,

We could take pictures together

Perfect smiles,

Mid-laugh

And you’d tell me finally all I ever wondered

All I ever wanted to heal for my father

All the answers he sought at the bottom of the bottle

All the ache he managed in silence

You’d tell me who we all are.

Give me a bed to lie in

So I can stop chasing.

I See You

She was a girl in a time when lipstick and perfect hemlines were of great importance,

When little women mimicked flawlessly-coiffed hairdos and pressed blouses, learned from their mothers and fashionable aunts

She followed all of the rules, and showed off all of her potential as a perfect little mother to perfect little siblings,

Validation was born of faultless pin curls and stainless sheets; of exquisite pies and unflappable emotion.

And somehow it never felt enough.

She came of age in a time that flipped everything she had ever learned upside down, and so began a life lived in seemingly vain-attempt to bridge these two worlds.

She lived in silent protest

To justify her desire for something more.

She married because she was supposed to

Thought better of it and took her first brave step on her own.

She saw skies that were too bright, and made the rules as she went along

Fell in love and bore children; torn between staying at home and working

Was a perfect hostess and textbook mother

Indulged in creativity, and the real-world as a classroom.

And somehow it never seemed enough

All the black sheep that she held, by birthright should have never been hers

But she was forever misunderstood.

She never quite fit into one world or the other,

Trying to please everyone; wanting more for herself

She realized that someday never comes.

And it wasn’t by accident, this brave ascent into unexpected adventurousness.

It took years for her to decide that if she wasn’t appreciated where she was

She would find her own niche; look elsewhere for people waiting all their lives for her with open arms; and live exactly where she was meant to be.

Without judgement

She remains misunderstood by those that once thought they knew her best,

But she leaves a mark wherever she goes despite everything everyone ever knew of her

She no longer waits for validation, because it occurred to her that she was always beautiful.

And she finally believes she is worth it.

Sombre

I am half-sleeping

Re-living conflict.

Lines that shouldn’t be crossed,

Meanings lost in interpretation.

I was a diamond

All the while you were casting me as villain,

And I’m okay –

Smiling in constant state of unhappy.

Depression is scary;

You’ve got to know where to look.

It’s easy to follow narrative; easier still to fall into it.

Remembering names and faces of lies

While I’m spewing truth.

I whisper on repeat “don’t worry”

But hear, “No, we really don’t want you home.”

“No, I don’t choose you.”

I almost forfeited half a dozen times

And I stepped on every crack.

I once chose you over the greatest love of my life….

And bathed in being the only one on your side

But you turned your back on me and he never saw me the same way again.

Every day I’d think about how his mother went away

And I’ve always been aware that she made me stay

Somewhere I got lost along the way.

But I’ve known since the day I was born that I am just like her.

I hope I don’t go because headstones aren’t big enough to hold all the words I want to say.

I was built with armour; born with it maybe.

And rage lies right beneath my spirit.

I’d write you a poem to make you happy,

Shed tears for trips we didn’t take to the mall

Replay times you didn’t choose me, wanting to shout to you

Step back!

You’re fucking wrong!

I used to want to put you up on a pedestal.

Hoping if I professed my love the most, you’d pick me.

Making makeshift swords and knives, fighting off the hurt for you.

Tossing compassion out with no return

Don’t tell me there are no heroes.

I am a treasure, screaming to be found beneath the sand.

My confidence was born of Oprah and Donahue

And the eyes that I inherited

Are waiting to be amazed

I wish there was a yellow brick road

Friends with hearts and courage and thought.

I lost my greatest ally for you.

Letters that I want to write and want to send, but are never destined to be seen

I call bullshit on “you are the only one responsible for your feelings.”

Because that would require the ability to see around corners when we are young,

An inborn depth of perception that would allow children to choose.

Grown-ups capable of separating themselves from all that they ever were and all that they were ever meant to be.

I wonder how I ever trusted you

I wonder what I ever did with the cape I kept hidden in the toy box.

What I’ve got is all I need

Though I can only write when I’m unhappy.

I was beautiful beyond measure despite the narrative you’ve all created for me.

Take the time to analyze

See me.

It doesn’t matter what you think about me when I was there.

I lived and loved before a time when you were here.

This feels like the biggest lie I’ve ever told.

It’s just not how it ought to be.

I’ve petitioned for every story I told

And I have a story to tell

But first I have to buy it.

I never lie to myself.

I reinvent myself,

But I’m okay.

And laughter is my shield.

I’ve stopped being surprised by non-wishes,

Because the truth is

I’m already gone.

I need something or someone to lean against.

I need you to tell me to stay.

Sometimes I think too much

I just can’t hold my breath hoping you’ll answer why.