Tag Archives: Stories

We, Who

 

And just like that I’ll pick up exactly where I left off – motivated equally by envy and need – sensing the crushing boundaries of time

So, I  breathe in the eternity of now, write it down; make it permanent.

I’ve spent at least the last decade trying to mold the real world into the one inside my head and have spent a good part of it wondering if I’ve dedicated myself to a false reality. It’s silly, really. I am a professional at making things reality by assuming they are such. It has served me well. I write, so I am a writer. I travel, so I am a traveller, I instigate, therefore I am an instigator. There’s nothing false about it.

I’ve more words in my head than I know what to do with; emotions that don’t always lend themselves to translation. And in raw moments of reflection, I know for certain I am capable of more.

There are others out there like me. We, who wallow in damp silence. We, who can shake rooms with our rage; we, who reject oppressive schedules . We, who understand that proximity to fear is both pain and pleasure. We, who indulge in embarrassing moments of bravery.

We, who make impossible things lovely.

We, who know we are not reconciled to chains.

We are all learning through the tension of uncertainty, and are all a little removed from okay.

Tonight, instead of sitting in expectation of more, I’ll assume it is such, and make it so.

🙂

One.

Onepic

She loves him still.

Especially in late September when fog hangs thick and low. When she allows herself to indulge in all the memories of what was supposed to be; when she closes her eyes long enough, he is right there with her.

She can’t remember how long ago she lost him, but when she spotted him this evening, everything that ever felt unfinished in her life rose up to face her. He was right there in front of her, slouched over his coffee in the same weighty posture he had before he grew older.

She stood there unmoving, watching him through the coffee shop window. She studied his furrowed brow and the way his lips paused to blow and cool his coffee. People were chattering all around him, but he didn’t seem to notice. He was so far away. Life had hardened his once boyish face, but his eyes were exactly the same.

He looked up as though he was willed to, and caught her staring at him.

Blood rushed up her chest, down her arms and through her fingertips. She lost all ability to breathe and the only thing she could hear was her heart pounding in her ears.

Yes, she loves him still.

Lady

Fat-bottomed girls

Should be making the rockin’ world go ’round

Don’t come nicely ’round here.

Thought you to be the snake, but a snake charmer instead

I’d call you a Godess, if any Goodness came of it

Spewing vitriol and venom

Planting seeds that spread like morning glory

I can’t even remember when friends were here together

I’m so far separated from it.

Feverish with jealously

Scratching at my back door

Longing to taste a piece of my snack,

The tune I hum.

Moaning of unrequited love

And husbands who don’t understand,

And bosses who are unfair

And children who don’t care

And.

And

And.

Stopped listening long ago.

I sit upon the rising sun.

I listen to the arguments in my head

The ones that I’ll forever leave unsaid

Because I’m not the instigator.

And you know that I’m right.

All along.

And now your arms and ammo are laid down

Time to harvest your own crops

Foolish women.

Silly, petty, stupid women.

Throwing missiles aimlessly,

Hoping something, anything would stick

Filling your eyeballs with more hatred than they can bare.

I don’t care for you anymore, Lady.

I’ll light the way gladly

Watch whistling winds and clouds disappear

Your shadowy delusions sink away

You wretched women

Reeking of yearning,

Of daddies who didn’t love enough

Of lovers who will never fill the void.

Sad, sad women.

Encasing yourselves in pity

Bathing in insecurities

Embracing each others’ dark whimsy

I’ve retired my defenses

Taken the stronger course

Suffered blows

But kept my poise.

Is not that bad.

Lady.

Everyone secretly thinks I should get over it.

But I’m not ready to make nice.

Not until you come clean

Fat-bottomed women,

Make my fucking world turn ’round.

After

Compelled by nectar

The words come easier

Eager

The first one I can avoid with gritted teeth,

I can’t say no to the rest.

I follow in the footsteps of all the greats

The ones that are remembered with the best stories

It’s always so bitter after the first

But I’m honest.

Rationalize

Excuse

Walked sorry miles

At the time I didn’t know

I didn’t know there’d be so few chances

It feels like tomorrow is infinite,

But really, someday never comes

There is purpose somewhere out there

Telling me of hope that’s somewhere far away

Where rain falls less.

I see you out there

You were always this enigma

Someone I wanted to know

Someone I needed to understand

But now I know.

This is who were are,

We could take pictures together

Perfect smiles,

Mid-laugh

And you’d tell me finally all I ever wondered

All I ever wanted to heal for my father

All the answers he sought at the bottom of the bottle

All the ache he managed in silence

You’d tell me who we all are.

Give me a bed to lie in

So I can stop chasing.

I See You

She was a girl in a time when lipstick and perfect hemlines were of great importance,

When little women mimicked flawlessly-coiffed hairdos and pressed blouses, learned from their mothers and fashionable aunts

She followed all of the rules, and showed off all of her potential as a perfect little mother to perfect little siblings,

Validation was born of faultless pin curls and stainless sheets; of exquisite pies and unflappable emotion.

And somehow it never felt enough.

She came of age in a time that flipped everything she had ever learned upside down, and so began a life lived in seemingly vain-attempt to bridge these two worlds.

She lived in silent protest

To justify her desire for something more.

She married because she was supposed to

Thought better of it and took her first brave step on her own.

She saw skies that were too bright, and made the rules as she went along

Fell in love and bore children; torn between staying at home and working

Was a perfect hostess and textbook mother

Indulged in creativity, and the real-world as a classroom.

And somehow it never seemed enough

All the black sheep that she held, by birthright should have never been hers

But she was forever misunderstood.

She never quite fit into one world or the other,

Trying to please everyone; wanting more for herself

She realized that someday never comes.

And it wasn’t by accident, this brave ascent into unexpected adventurousness.

It took years for her to decide that if she wasn’t appreciated where she was

She would find her own niche; look elsewhere for people waiting all their lives for her with open arms; and live exactly where she was meant to be.

Without judgement

She remains misunderstood by those that once thought they knew her best,

But she leaves a mark wherever she goes despite everything everyone ever knew of her

She no longer waits for validation, because it occurred to her that she was always beautiful.

And she finally believes she is worth it.